So often in life, I hear people say I can’t, or even worse I couldn’t. Many things in life are outside of our control. Part of my job as a therapist is to aid my client’s in identifying what is or is not within their control. It seems rather simple, most major things in life really are. But simple doesn’t mean easy. Part of knowing what is (or is not) within your control is knowing that the things you can control are choices that you make. We all make choices. My friend’s four-year-old chooses either to stand in time-out or to scream and holler. I choose things every day. I choose what to eat, and what to wear. I choose where I spend my time. I also choose to respect the choices of others. God created us with free will. He gave us both the authority and responsibility to make choices for our own lives. What choices we make are in the end up to us.
As a therapist, my job is not to judge your choices. My job is however to help you in making choices. How do I do that you may ask? Let me tell you…
First, I help you assess what your choices are. Many times, we fail to notice an option we have on the table. Initially, you may believe that you only have two choices, my role is to help you see options that sit in your blind spot. Someone may tell me that their boss or teacher has asked them a question and they immediately respond with a yes or a no. I may ask, “Is it possible that instead of yes or no you could ask, ‘could I have some time to think on that, and get back to you tomorrow?'” Therefore there is now a third option to consider. Sometimes the options may be to not answer at all or to just get up and do what has been asked of you. Not every option is a good option, but recognizing that they are all options helps us later when we have to stand by the choice we have made.
Then, I help you to assess your options. Are there things that you can easily “take off the table”? Are there things that you would like to do but are not realistic or feasible? I also help my clients identify what the possible outcomes or consequences are for each option. For every yes there is a no. For each option what would the no be? Which option aligns more with your values? Who are you and who do you want to be?
If my dilemma is about dinner, I may have several options.
Option 1 – cook Option 2 – eat out Option 3 – don’t eat dinner.
If I choose to cook, I need to know what I have at home, will I need to go to the grocery store? How much time do I have, how long will it take? If I choose to go out to eat, I have to consider how much more will that cost? Will I be able to find healthy food where I am going? How will I feel physically afterward if I choose to eat processed foods? Is it worth it? If I don’t eat dinner will I be “hangery?” Will I be able to complete my evening activities in a way that I am pleased with? Will I be even more hungry in the morning? Even “simple” choices can be filled with things to consider that will impact us much beyond the moment we make the choice. This is not, nor does it need to be an exhaustive list of my options for dinner, but an example of how the choices I make can impact how I live my life. And that I alone get to take responsibility for not only the choice but the outcome. If I choose not to eat and therefore become cranky, it is indeed my fault that I am irritable, I cannot rightfully blame those around me.
Next, we can together assess how certain options align with your values and sense of self. This bears the question, “will I be okay with this decision tomorrow?” We each hold different values and they play out in our lives in many ways. Not everyone has the same values, and that’s okay. One of my values is respecting people and the work they do. Therefore, this plays out in my choices. I choose to consider this when I choose what restaurant to eat at, or which clothing to buy. I would rather be a patron at a restaurant that pays their employees well than one that makes them work primarily for tips. This isn’t everyone’s value, and that is okay. However, when I choose to go to a restaurant that may cost more because they pay their people differently, I may pay a higher price for my food. When I begin weighing that into my decision I then have to decide which value matters more? Saving money or paying people well for their time and work? So often we make decisions so quickly off of our “gut” but we feel guilt when our choices do not properly align with our values. My job is to help you assess your values and your choices and see if they align.
Finally, you make your choice. So many people struggle with making and following through with their choices, they struggle to please others or to know what is the “right” answer. Sometimes there is a right or a wrong choice, but more frequently there are options that are neither right nor wrong. There are simply choices one gets to make.
What choices have you had to make lately? Do you feel good about those choices?
It’s not a choice I have to live with. It’s not my life, it’s not my choice. NO one else gets to tell you how you should live your life.
My goal is to continually empower my clients to become who they are, who God created them to be. But I will not be held accountable for your choices. I am only held accountable for my choices. Therefore, I refuse to make choices for other people. I will stand behind you and the choices you make, I will offer support, and even remind you of why you made the choice you did. I will not however judge you or tell you what to do.
Next time you have a choice to make, be it big or little take a breath and remember these questions
1) What are my options?
2) What are the pros and cons of each option? What would the possible outcomes of each option be?
3) Which options align with my values, and who I am?
4) What is my choice?
Is there a big choice coming up in your life? If you need some help processing what your options may be or what the consequences or values that align with those options are feel free to give me a call. I’d be glad to help.